Questmaster

I want to marry a girl that wears hijab

The hijab is a beautiful thing. I’ve always loved the concept for my future wife to inshaallah wear. But I’ve never fully thought about it. But recently I’ve come to see such a beauty in it. I have such respect and awe for those that wear hijab. I’ve realized that I’m far more attracted to those that dress themselves in a modest fashion and even more so when they wear hijab. It’s  all so stunning to me. I guess I’ve never really even spoken to a hijabi until recently. And I’ve never dared even making eye contact or even looking in their general direction. But after having the fortune to befriend some I’ve come to appreciate the hijab and the struggle women go through to wear it in a whole new light. I will still continue to try my best as always to be modest and lower my gaze around them. But I don’t know. I guess I’m just so much happier just with the knowledge that there are such amazing girls out there. With such beauty in their looks and personality. Wowwwwwwww :) 

My Wife

Every now and then. Usually on days when it rains. I open my windows and sit next to it and just stare into the sky. Just thinking. Just wondering. And the topic that always seems to be on my mind. Is about my future. Specifically my wife. I wonder who she will be. Would she love me? Would I love her? Would our love fade, in the mist of responsibility? Would we work through our problems? Or simply bury them deep inside until one day at some point it explodes. 

I also think of the beauty of it all. The idea of waking up next to someone each and every day. The thought that you will never be alone. The comfort that you have someone there always that is going through the same thing you are. A team to battle against problems that may occur in life. 

I think of how amazing it would be to just walk up to her and give her a hug from behind. And just hold her tight in my arms. I think of how she may support me in everything I do, Just as I wish to always support my wife in everything she does. 

I wish for my wife to have a beautiful smile. Because making people smile is my life. And waking up and seeing that smile on her each and everyday would be such a blessing. I want to be able to make my wife smile. And cherish everything she is and does. 

One image in particular is always in my thoughts. Me and my wife are in the park. Taking a stroll on a path. The rain washing over us. Our hands bound tightly to each others. A huge smile on both of our faces. The sheer joy of being alive and having her by my side. And a look I give. To show her how much I love her. And how blessed I am to have her in my life. And I see the same look reflected in her face towards me. I want so much to have that image to hold true one day InshaAllah. Ameen

What life boils down to

Everyday life hands us so much. We are given so many opportunities. Some less than others. But we are given them nonetheless. Everyday we are faced with problems. With new sets of difficulties. Or recurring ones. Yet we go through them. We persevere. Life is a struggle. Life is a gift. But it may not be a gift we like to accept. If our problems, however little or large they may be, overwhelm us. Even despite the many blessings we are given. We tend to appreciate life less. And for some that leads to decisions they could lead to loss of their own.

What is living? Living is not just breathing. It is not just going through the motions of life. Living is not simply watching as the years pass before your very eyes while you stand by and do nothing. Life is a struggle. A struggle to attain your goals, whatever they may be. And often the case. When your struggles do not yield a result. When nothing you do or say works no matter how hard you try. People lose faith. People lose hope. And that leads me to believe that life is faith. Life is hope. Life is the hope that one day your dreams can come true. One day you will discover yourself. Or if you have discovered yourself as I have. That one day you will become everything you wish to be. Just because your outlook may look grim. Just because nothing seems to be going your way. If you enjoy and feel blessed for what you do have in your life. That plays a long ways towards happiness.

Easier said than done of course. It is human nature to want what is unattainable. Or even simply put. It is human nature to want more than that they have. But if there is one thing I’ve noticed. Is that the people that are the happiest in the world posses two qualities. They feel blessed for all that they have in life. And they have faith. Faith in themselves. Faith in those all around them. And above all faith in god. It’s because of these two that these people are so happy. So at peace. Their worries seem irrelevant to them because they know they are part of something greater. That life has a purpose. That faith and the blessing in life go hand in hand. This may seem like a huge simplification to what happiness point down to. And it is. Life is so much more that just that. But I feel that those two are the most prevalent. Within blessing everything can be found. Material possessions a person may have. Loved ones. Friends. Family. People that care for you. Those all lie within blessings. However little you may have. You are always blessed in some way. Even if it is the fact that you are just alive. Or simply that you have a body that is full functioning. Or a brain that can think normally. These are blessings. 

I’m not sure what the point of this was. But I was thinking about life. And I wanted to write it down. A good majority of my writing on this blog have been about her. And how I feel for her. But I want to write about how I think. It’s been so long so I’m no where near as good in writing as I once was. But I love thinking about every aspect of life. And I think I want this blog to represent that. I want it to be my thoughts. Or different perspectives on things in life. 

Even now. My mind is consumed with thoughts of her.

I keep thinking about the future. My future. Her future. Who will she end up with? Who will she marry? Will the man she marries treat her right? Make her happy? Shower her with love? And I think all these things with a degree of sadness. I will never be the one in her life by her side. The man that will step in is the luckiest man on earth. To have someone like her. Someone who is so kind. So respectful. Such amazing values. And tie all that in with a personality that I’ve yet to see in a woman. She’s a bit of a tom boy. But so much a girl. And the combination is incredible. Its refreshing. To make matters even more amazing. She is beyond beautiful. I can’t even describe. All I know is when I think about her smile. And the way her eyes light up. I become so happy. And all is lost in the world. Just her and her smile. 

But why am I still harboring these thoughts? Why think of things that may never end up anywhere for me? And I think the answer lies in this simple truth. I’m not giving up.  I’m not trying to lose feelings for her. I’m not trying at all to forget. Rather all I do is remember. All I want in life right now is to be her friend. To be someone she can confide in. A person that can be there for her. That can help her when she needs it. I want to be the someone. And I believe that I can somehow make the opportunity. Maybe not now. I need to focus on my body, mind, and soul. But in the summer. I’ve decided. If I haven’t moved on from Marina by then. Then its clear what I should do. I will just focus on her. Move away from the standstill and attempt to move forward with her.

Tomorrow I go off to be rejected

I’ve never told a girl I liked her. Not to her face. I know her reaction and her saying no will hurt me a lot. But I guess I don’t know how much. I know it’ll be much worse than anything I’ve experienced thus far. And I guess that’s why I’m going to tell her tomorrow. That’s why I’ve decided to just finally come out with it. I can’t live my life with anything unsaid. I need to tell her. She’ll reject me. And I’ll deal and finally move on. Otherwise. I never truly will move on until a long time from now. And I can’t have that. So tomorrow I go. I go off to be rejected by someone I know who doesn’t care. Someone who has probably never considered me much of anything really. I’m asking myself to get hurt. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I want to feel something, anything from her. Even if it is in the form of pain. And that right there is pretty messed up. I’m a pretty sad person. SMH. 

The Veil Between Reality and Dreams

I’ve come to realize in the past few months. That my dreams. My hopes. For love. Are near to impossible. I’ve always known this. But I’ve always let my romantic side place a veil between reality and my dreams. Now thanks to her that veil has been torn and I see now the ugly truth. The truth is that there may be many fish in the sea. There may over 6 billion people in this world. But unfortunately you don’t meet even a percentage of those people. The fact of the matter is. You only meet and associate with only a handful of people in life.

Sure you may meet countless numbers of people upon a regular basis. But I’m speaking of the people that you let in your life. The people that you see a consistent basic. The people that you respect, admire, whose company who enjoy. Only amongst those as some point in your life are you going to have a shot of something real. Something that will last a lifetime. Your true love. And that part I knew. But I guess what I let fool me was the part “a shot”. I only have a mere chance. A stroke of luck. Allah’s will is also everything. But ultimately I am the one that has the chance to find her. But only a chance. And I have to admit I’m scared as hell. After her. I don’t want to let my heart out. Not because of rejection necessarily. I can handle that.  won’t like it but I can handle it. But  I’m scared that I will turn into the shadow of my self that I was for 3 or 4 months because of her.

I’ve come to realize that when I fall for someone. When someone meets those ideals and values. When they are even fit the criteria for me to able to marry them. When I actually also feel strongly for them. It’s a done deal for me. I seal my own fate. And in this part I blame Disney and Indian movies. They’ve taught me all my life that you have the power to change your own destiny. Particularly with love. That against all odds love will prevail. But that’s complete and utter bull shit. If it is meant to be it will be. But love if a fickle knife that loves to stab if not played with correctly. You may like someone. But if she doesn’t. She doesn’t. End of story. I hate that reality. But it has become my own.

And so now I’m forced to see what lies beyond the viel. The risk. The risk and thought that one day. I might marry someone that I don’t truly love. That one day I might end up with someone that I love because they are my wife but not because I love them for who they are. And the thought of spending the rest of my life with someone like that. Scares the hell out me. I’m shuddering just thinking about it. I have my whole life ahead of me. But another reality I’m forced to face now is this. I’m not getting any younger. I’m 20. Still damn young. Plenty of time. But also in the bigger scheme. It is not. And that scares me as well.

Despite all this I still hold on to this belief. I believe in the concept of soul mates. I feel that Allah sbwt has made someone on this earth for us. Someone that at some point on your lives we are fortunate to meet. We may get an opportunity to meet this person but it may not be who we end up with. Allah basically gives a chance in our lives to recognize and act upon it. All this is not based on anything legitimate. There is no quranic verse or hadeese that I know of that speaks of soul mate belief I carry. But yet I still believe it. I know she’s out there. I hope, and I pray to allah that please. Let me not miss my chance to make her mine when I do happen to meet her if I have not failed already. 

Wise Men Say. Only Fools Rush In. But I can’t help, falling in love with you. - Elvis Presley

Long Time

Its been some time. A few weeks at most. But still its felt like forever since my heart did anything when I said her name. I need to resolve this soon. Before MIST. I need to call her up. See her. Or just wait until MIST to see what unfolds. Damn my head is so messed up right now. WHAT TO DO!!!